Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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