Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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