Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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