everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize