I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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