the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
This house was built for laser tag.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize