Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
