I CAN MOONWALK!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
