I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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