I wish I could teleport
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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