hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He passed out mid-signature
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
