My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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