he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
