sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I deserve this hangover.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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