This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
