I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Dear god my vagina.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
