1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
