i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize