just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
