So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
