Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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