Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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