the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
