FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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