Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
