that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize