My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
