Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
