By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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