He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
