Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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