Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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