if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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