Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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