I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
