What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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