Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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