D3 body, D1 cock
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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