just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
