dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
