So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
