sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize