Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
