Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
