I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
