speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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