You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
