you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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