today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
