So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
