worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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