This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
