Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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