You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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