Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
