if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize